TheVine story: ‘The Dos and Don’ts (but mostly Don’ts) of Valentine’s Day for Single Dudes’, February 2012

I penned this tongue-in-cheek write-up for TheVine in the lead-up to Valentine’s Day 2012. Excerpt below.

Hoo boy, it’s Valentine’s Day again. If ever there’s a time not to have a penis, it’s February 14. A day when we men, we many men, do our very best to either a) go away on business, or b) make our loved ones’ night – an exercise as futile as the Babylonians’ attempt to touch the sky. Silly Babylonians.

But while V-day bites for those of us in relationships, spare a thought for the arseholes who aren’t. Theirs is a lot lower than the rest. All that love, all that shitty romance – it’s enough to have a lone wolf howling at the moon. What’s needed is a proper handbook for dealing with this day of days, which so ruthlessly separates the haves from the have-nots.

Should you send your desired paramour a photocopy of your genitals? I’ll leave that for you to figure out. But the other dos and don’ts can be a little harder to pin down. So without further ado – and in response to Nadine von Cohen’s precision ‘how-to’ for all the single ladies (all the single ladies) – may I present TheVine’s guide to being a lonely guy on Valentine’s Day. Stay frosty, my friends.

DON’T spend the night cutting your hair off while staring despondently into the bathroom mirror.

DON’T make a list of all the reasons a girl would choose Ryan Gosling over you.

DON’T make a list of all the reasons a girl would choose that weird bloke who’s always hanging outside the TAB smoking a White-Ox rollie over you.

DON’T play video games with another single man. Video games are an empty substitute for love. Cathartic exemptions apply for Grand Theft AutoRed Dead RedemptionDoomHalf-Life and Leisure Suit Larry.

DON’T go to see Breakfast at Tiffany’s at Melbourne’s Moonlight Cinema. Add an extra DON’T if you’re Japanese.

For the full story, visit TheVine.


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